i accidentally woke up at 3am and after few minutes, manged to go back to sleep again when i had this dream. a strange dream about someone that i didn’t personally know, well i know the person for sure but personally, we haven’t have any personal connection as in we’re not that close to be friends. I saw the person at work everyday but i really find it hard to talk to that person nor look at the person face nor eye’s directly. reason is… i don’t know why everytime i had a situation where we both cross paths or even being in the same area, i really can’t stay long… i had that feeling to avoid the person’s prescence…  hahaha really strange feeling. but to be honest i talked about that person a lot in a friend at work who knows that person ofcourse, i ask squestions about that person but when it comes to the point that the person actually spoke with me, i feel so odd. well, a friend who knew me for some month told me that i definitely had a “crush” with that person i was talking about. haha.. what am i? teenager? but honestly i feel that i really somehow had that feeling about that person. i pathetically visit the person’s page everyday and somewhat got some gut, i commented on one of this person’s picture. but i didn’t intently expose my feelings, well i just gave a nice comment anyway, nothing more than that.

a while, we had this very close encounter, when the person actually thanked me for commenting on his picture. i was so embarassed, like yeah a “teenager” who is being broadcasted a stalker of this person. intial reply was “ahmmm well actually ahmm ehhh,,,” it was so embarassing as in, that i tend to be very defensive of what i did. obviously i became so defensive that i told them (the person and the colleague and everyone in the place) that i was hiding or something like i don’t want other people know that i was the one who did that and the reason why i used my other account, for me to hide or something like that soooo pathetic of me… i felt so odd and nervous i guess while dealing on talking to the person and to the colleague, and yet the colleague added “who are your other most avid fun here in there office then…?” and i was like shouting inside my mind that “yeah wait!!! im not a fan or something! cut the topic. cut it out!” wahhhh!!! hahaha, what just happened really bothers me but to be honest i was a little having the “kilig” factor that i had that very close encounter to this person. as i remember, it was the fourth time that i had a conversation with the person, though for me, it was not that nice that people knew now that i was one of this person’s stalker or admirer or whatever… childish… but… it was really nice of this person to be very approachable and very gentleman, trying to be friendly to everyone. and i think the person is in a good mood that time…

hmmm… until now i still have not yet coped up with this earlier incident. haha…

yeah maybe i really had a “crush thing” on this person.

as a defense… i ONLY knew how to appreciate other people’s beauty, that is why.

i was hoping to be more friend to that person. well i can see that the person is really that friendly.

anyways good luck to me then… haha…

its been long since i last wrote something here… senseless and with little sense. since i can’t really sleep tonight. I just got home from bulacan where i attended mommy cris’ boss daughter’s christening.

just an introduction, we just again had a big fight that lead  again to some separation issues. I admit that i can’t really control my anger when it comes to him but to think that maybe he should also consider my feelings towards his not-so-good treatments to me.

the root of all these was a very small issue actually. because i went to some occassion in bulacan, i promised him that i will brought him food by the time i got home. i brought kenzi with me in bulacan together with some relatives that also happens to be my officemates. Because i brought kc, and carry him all the time (you know little childrens are so lazy in walking they only enjoys playing right) and we only went there through bus and mrt rides meaning we have no service ride in going there so i was so tired when we got home by 11 pm and when we ride a van from tabas to cubao kenzi was already sleeping so i really needed to carry him all the way from there to pasig. when i arrived at our house, i simply say “wala akong uwi sayo, sobrang pagod ako” and i close the gate. and his eyes get big looking at me simply telling me that he was so disappointed that he thinks that im not even bothered that i didnt brought him the food that i promised. How inconsiderate, self centered.

If he really is thinking right, he rather asked me if im tired or he rather get bothered to tell me to take a little rest. Imagine that i carry a bag and kenzi thru commute all the way from bulacan to pasig and he was so into thinking that i should have brought him food before i got home.

This is what i did. Upon confirming that he was mad at me because of his unreasonable thinking, i run out of the house 11pm to buy him jollibee as what he asked me supposed to be to brought him. See how really inconsiderate of him. So when i arrived home, i was so very angry and find it really hard to control my temper towards his violent reaction earlier, while he was lying so relax in bed, that i know since 3pm he was like that, i threw the burger on his face telling him to eat what ive brought him. And while he was eating as i expected, i was talking and talking and talking over my sentiments because i happen to still get out that night to brought him his expected food. Its really annoying to think that he was looking at me not as a wife but as his maid/alipin.

as ussual, arguments arises and as he answers me arrogantly, i mean really arrogant answers, it gave me more reasons to throw glasses and food on him due to some reactions from him that is really hard for me to accept.

until now, my body feels so tired and exhausted but my emotions and feelings and thinkings was trying to find something. maybe there really is something  wrong with us. i just need sometime. even though its not applicable anymore to our situation, i want some space. Maybe we should really have to be separated, for a while. i hope he will realize my worth. and if not, maybe we should be separated, permanently.

-someone inspired me to post this song lyrics in here-

I believe the sun should never set upon an argument
I believe we place our happiness in other people’s hands
I believe that junk food tastes so good because it’s bad for you
I believe your parents did the best job they knew how to do
I believe that beauty magazines promote low self esteem
I believe I’m loved when I’m completely by myself alone

I believe in Karma what you give is what you get returned
I believe you can’t appreciate real love ’til you’ve been burned
I believe the grass is no more greener on the other side
I believe you don’t know what you’ve got until you say goodbye

I believe you can’t control or choose your sexuality
I believe that trust is more important than monogamy
I believe your most attractive features are your heart and soul
I believe that family is worth more than money or gold
I believe the struggle for financial freedom is unfair
I believe the only ones who disagree are millionaires

I believe in Karma what you give is what you get returned
I believe you can’t appreciate real love ’til you’ve been burned
I believe the grass is no more greener on the other side
I believe you don’t know what you’ve got until you say goodbye

I believe forgiveness is the key to your own happiness
I believe that wedded bliss negates the need to be undressed
I believe that God does not endorse tv evangelists
I believe in love surviving death into eternity

I believe in Karma what you give is what you get returned
I believe you can’t appreciate real love ’til you’ve been burned
I believe the grass is no more greener on the other side
I believe you don’t know what you’ve got until you say goodbye
Until you say goodbye

———————————————-

sorry… im just living in a apathetic world…

staying cool and contented.

no room for being ubsurd and dramatically pathetic.

I’m writing this post, for the spirit of Merry Christmas and a Happy New Year.

This was the most tiring and most spend freaking season of every year. When Paulo started to have a job that was 3.5 years ago, and even myself, we both have this gift giving attitude to everybody (relatives and extended). We, as a married couple with a son and me as a house wife who is 100% dependent to his income, usually think on how can we make other people glad about what we can give to them as a gift for Christmas without spending so much about it.

I remember when i was still a kid who always enjoys collecting gifts and mostly expecting money for Christmas, i always look forward to how expensive or how much i can earn every Christmas season without realizing that Christmas is really not for what to receive but how those person who gave me that gift tried hard to think on how i can be glad about that gift that person gave me.

Now that i have my own family and a son who is always looking forward to recieveing gifts for christmas, i was definitely applying to him what i learned. That is “Christmas is not about what you will recieve but how the person make us glad about what we recieved from them”. I always told everybody or every ninang/ninong of my son, i didn’t get you to be my son’s godfather or godmother for some materialistic reasons… No matter what they would give to my son would be very gladly appreciated by his parents.

Last monday, i watched the video that i made when we got to our house that Chritmas afternoon. there are so many gifts Kenzi received from our lovedones and his ninongs and ninangs.  A video of him openning his gift from christmas, just like the past 2 years. Even in the video, i can say that my son, is very different from me when i was a kid. That moment, when he open every gift that he received that special day, all you can hear from him was “WOW!”, “ANG GANDA”, echoes of very happy appreciations of what he received. Me as a mother or as a parent never ever will imply words of regrets and/or disappointments on what he or i received from other people. I will never teach my son ever to ask for money nor say “sana pinera na lang ang regalo”. That was terribly wrong. It was really disappointing to hear something like that from anyone or someone, even from those who are not concerning me.

Well now, the THOUGHT really does counts? THE THOUGHT REALLY DOES COUNTS FOR ME.

Let us all learn to celebrate the TRUE SPIRIT OF CHRISTMAS. Happy holidays

This will remember how glad my little boy was on what he had this year

i always remember my grandma “nanay taba” the times when she still lives, she always imply “boomerang”

as far as i know, a “boomerang” is a type of a toy that when you throw it away from you in the air it will simply come back towards your direction…

for me it was a simple lesson, do not do to others what you do not want to do unto you… “the golden rule” if im not mistaken…

same meaning as the word and principle itself -K-A-R-M-A-

so whenever i heard or found out something and someone said things that are against me, or negative impressions about me… I also did… simply imply “boemerang!” and i never expecting bad things to happen to them… and you know what??? it never fails. it really happens…

i was a type of person that really didn’t bother myself about what other people says about me or my life. i just ignore them actually. every criticisms i heard and found out about me from other people i just put them in two words; 1. ” so?” 2. okay. (with period)

when i heard someone got their luck and had a blessing on something, i will simply said “eh di good for them.” never tell any side comments about it. and when i heard failure about people, i just take some question of “why” and same thing i didn’t give any side comments about them also.

what i can’t understand was why other people are so affected about my life, about my living. they actually never stops criticizing me as a person, as a wife and as a mother.

well i can’t please everybody. it’s their prerogative anyway. human nature as i say. and all i can say is “BOOMERANG”

It was last sunday that we, me and paulo - my husband, re-painted our current house. From a dark green motif to lightning green (light green close to white but still green more like apple green). We woke up as early as 6am. After I brought Kenzi to my mother’s house at Palatiw (reason that KC is a very smart and cute toddler that he might make kulit while we were working), and go to my usual wet market schedule every sunday, I got home seeing paulo already started the activity.

I cooked our meal for that day early as 9am so i can help him paint the house. Imagine that we spent 12 hours re-painting our i think 20sqm room. We had a lot of fun doing that activity. Making fun of our selves, little asaran, and yabangan, we make our day very fruitful on chats, chats about our future (ciempre naman), about our pasts.. discovering things that i never seen and known about each other before.

When almost 10pm, we finished painting the walls from the door to our small kitchen area through our little dining area and very little living area. We postponed painting the bedroom for the meantime we had no time anymore it’s almost 10pm and i still need to fetch Kenzi from my mother’s place in Palatiw.

After i got home from palatiw, Kenzi is already asleep. We both didn’t manage to take a bath that whole day and we both so dungis with paints. When 11pm we manage to clean ourselves and have a bath. Little kilig that he still had that energy to tease me and be naughty after that long tiring day. And so we had some.

Lying in bed, he had a hard time going to sleep (reason is he had an energy drink late that day and the whole day was spent drinking softdrinks- as he imply), so he started a chit chat. He asked some questions about my past boyfriends, first kiss etch and of course even if i’m so super tired i manage to chat with him as well. And also i asked of course about his’ just to be fair. We exchange chats about our not so easy to forget persons, situations with those persons and some things in our past life that are no longer a secret yet we still brought up to each other and etch. But still of course we both insist that we are both the most memorable person to each other (ciempre naman…).

Finding out how different and how SPECIAL I am among of his past was the most kilig portion of our chat. To be honest, knowing those things that i never heard from him before for 5 years almost made me cry due to happiness. The funny thing about it, was he considered me as “TUKSO” pala during that time with his longest relationship before me. Sounds irritating but when he told his reasons why he choose me, i realized that he is not that bad after all..

Another funny thing was an issue. The first torids was the most memorable for us and the bigger issue was confessing to each other that we both can’t beat our first torids. Close to “we are both bad kisser?” wahhhh of course not!

Nwei moving on. And we tackle our future. Our soon to be moving to his bought house in Bacoor. Showing his excitement and longing for it makes me really proud about having him. He really is a man. Responsible husband and a loving father who always puts family at the top. We talk about how he will design our soon to be 49sqm town house. To be honest i’m really very happy that he finally made that decision on moving to a bigger place. Lol because of him planning to have a big family of his own with 6 childrens. “Swerte nia kung pumayag ako “(^^,)v but i admit that im a little sad about living far from my mother’s. Well for the benefit of our family, im giving him all the authority to decide about where he will raise his children and soon to be 5 more…

Moving on. And we get in touch to some problems in our relationship. Disscuss about our i think big differences and shortcomings. Until we both ask each other why… why are we still together despite of the many instance that we almost separate. Separation that happens many times. Then we go back to how we met, reminisce why we decided to marry each other, and why we wanted to have this family. To keep Us together.

At this portion of our chat, i almost get emo. Bringing back those past, those terrible moments that i wanted to be free. That i wanted to separate from him. Now i realized that it is ONLY ME who wanted it. Before. Yes it is only me who always insist it before. That was in 4 years of our relationship. But now, I noticed that lately he also did want it to happen. He’s changed. Nah… maybe he get tired of me being so negative about our marriage for i always think of a broken ending.

Our chat that mornight ended 3am, me telling him what if we give it a chance, a chance to have a separation. Even for a some time. Why? He asked.. To prove something I answered. Or it is only me who wanted him to prove something for me. Then he turned his back at me. I asked him.. “antok ka na?” hugging him from his back. A simple nod answered me. I know and I’m not manhid, he was pissed for what he just heard from me. After all of his efforts on this family hay here i am again bringing a problem. I’m so praning kasi!

Paulo is a good husband and I should not give him heartaches yet in some point of our marriage, considering our relationship, and all the not so good things that has happened to us, as we grow together there are things that i needed him to realize. I have so many sentiments and hurtings inside me because of him that needed to be healed yet i had no chance on maybe to be alone for a while because i always think about the family first before myself. His consistent want for this family to be together till the end gives me more reasons to stay rather than cure my heartaches. So funny that it is also the same reason why during those time when we were just bf/gf and i intended to break up with him two to 3 times but failed is because he still sticks with the US issue. Until now… Ano papaka martir nalang ako? Big LOL! Not really. No matter what is that reason behind why we’re still together, the important thing is, still,  we are both happy with each other.

There are NO perfect relationship in this world i know and in real life the only permanent thing that a person should consider is changes. People said that the only way to get to know your partner better is to be with that person and share your life with the person in one roof. Very True. I remember a professor in my college days imply “there is an expiry for Love. After 2 years, your considered True love will expire.” and “True meaning of relationship only starts after 5 years of being together” I therefore conclude, there is no such thing as true love. loling! nahhh. Logic. Be able to beat the 2 years true love expiry and reach the 5th year being in a relationship… YOU JUST FOUND YOUR SOULMATE.

I know i can be there. We’re almost getting there. New year, new life, another beginning, on a new house, in a new place, WITH OUR SOULMATE…

Just last September, when the financer still handed his whole income and manage the budget, i had this guts to visit his statement and make a sneak about how he handled his resources. That is the moment i realize that he was making an over withdrawals that month. When i confronted Mr. Finance Manager about it, he simply imply that all the resources usage was all about the family’s credits and he spend nothing on his personal gains.

Well as for me, i really don’t mind about if he spends his resources on his personal aims due to the reasons that: 1. It is his money and 2. indeed the money he is handling is his’. My only point was i just needed to be treated as partner and not just a wife. From the beginning of this virtue of mine, i never ever insist any authority over handling his resources. From the start he was the one doing the budgeting tasks, and other bills payments. Imagining that my only task in this virtue is to 1. cook, 2. laundry, 3. house cleaning 4. other house chores, 5. other extra services. No money management involved.

I consider myself as a very patient person when it comes to family. I always wanted a harmony in my relationship. To see to it that I should be treated more than I am having and should be given what I deserve for being an abiding worker in his small world.

As I was started earlier, this last September, I had a simple conclusion on his expenditures and more unexpected withdrawals and I did a little accounting about it when i found out some of the amounts are inconsistent and there are a little discrepancies and unlocated expenses.

After some discussions and arguments over the facts that i found out about, and some of illustrations i made as a visualizations of what just happened in his resources that month, we argue and argue. I really hate arguing about money but having the reasons I acquired from all the data that i made, im certain that my reasons are valid.

WOW! Imagine that he finally handed me over that Finance/Budget management Task. I am now taking care of his whole income. Congratulations Mrs. Worker now that I am handling now his Automated Tellering Machine Card.

I was promoted from being a plain and simple worker to a
Budget Manager of my Finance Officer.

Now I feel the full pleasure of being his partner and not just his wife. For 3-4 years, it is only now that i can tell to myself that I am his partner and his wife.

This past nights, i always happen to wake up from a bad dreams. Dreams that i am always gone crazy to think about during my conscious moments. I was thinking if it is my instincts that lead me to dreamed about those things or it was just a dream that i shouldn’t been thinking about yet i can’t help to think why? Why my dreams are always about those things? It happens over and over each night in the past days. And it keeps me awake all time early in the mornight. I’m beginning to worry that it might happen one of this days. I know it will. Wrong. Only God knows what will happen tomorrow. I better clear my worries for i know God has His reasons…

When two people who have together for a long time, but in one point of the relationship, we somewhat felt something had changed or something is wrong with our partner. We tend to start wondering if he/she might be doings some wrong deeds behind our backs. It is sometimes mistaken as just jealousy, or imaginations or just being paranoid about that is sometimes a result of along term complacency with each other. It can be hard to tell actually but when in doubt go with our guts and look forward to some of his/her behavior that might be signs of this malicious deeds and stabs on your back. Here are some of I think might be a useful guides that may be considered on how to tell if the partner is being in that situation:

• if the partner tend to be more attentive than the usual. if you suddenly showered with gifts and compliments in almost seems like very inappropriate manner, then the partner is trying to make up for a guilty feelings.
• if your partner tend to stay out a lot longer than the usual or not showing up for dinner or unaccountable at times for his/her whereabouts, or if he/she suddenly alter these daily habits.
• if your partner is frequently picking fights with you. The emotional logic there id it will give that person more reason to leave the house and stay far from your site. because I believe that if you are not to blame, the partner will create a reason to justify that deeds.
• sometimes, being an overly critical of you may seem to be one of these signs, It is one of the agenda that once again gives that partner an excuse to leave. A guilty partner might also tend to be overly sensitive about criticisms from you for there maybe a ring of truth that triggers guilty feelings that they would rather not face.
• threats are the most obvious sign. When you two have fight, he/she may always insist to end up break up with you. They tend to be very sure that they will have someone to have to whenever the two of you split up.
• a consistent negative attitudes towards the relationship and comments that makes us feel like having an expiry dated on our forehead. As for instance, saying and planning things that not involves you as a partner or uttering "end" as laways.
• sometimes moods can be an obvious sign. The partner tend to be more depressed and the mood can be put in your end.
• most often the partner may tend to be incommunicative or refuse to interact to you. The partner seemed to be cold or inconsiderate of your feelings and the most obvious sign is to be less intimate with you in general. It is I believe a psychological distancing includes such behavior as extra finicky about personal boundaries or as if setting his own rules about privacy.
• Some books about relationships also imply that possibilities of a partner to have changes in tastes on clothing, music, food, vices, movies and some personal things is considered as signs.
• Perhaps the biggest indication that you might be dealing with a jerk is if they stop acting as if they are a part of your life. They tend to lose complete interest on family, friends, or following through on mutual financial goals or plans for the future, they also might be reluctant to go out of town with you for they might wanted to spend more time with other people but not with you.

There are I can consider a 5 stages on discovering a jerk:

• grief
• shock-denial
• anger
• sadness
• acceptance

After these stages, there will be 3 phases wherein:

• there is the reaction towards that deed
• decision making as to what to do next, and
• recuperation - a process to whether not you decide to stick with it in the end.

* Marriage counselling is always advised to be the best solution for a broken marriage.